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It’s just a reminder that you and your partner are both annoyingly human.To ignore or avoid this fact “is in essence to stay in childhood, nursing a fantasy and missing out on the real character of life and of our partners,” Green says.If you’re not sure, talk about it with someone, like “a therapist, or someone who you trust and has the kind of relationship you want,” suggests Green, which “can help you be clear on this point and to move forward with confidence.” One thing to keep in mind: “Switching partners will not result in zero percent problems, but in a new 20 percent—and a new opportunity to practice acceptance and gratitude,” notes Green.If a different 20 percent sounds pretty good right now, it might be time to consider jumping ship.“The trick is to actually where you and your partner have your problems,” says Green. ” In the grand scheme, do the little details of life really matter?No, and the fact that I even get stuck on tiny things reflects negatively on me and my inner perfection-freak.
And what counts as being OK for the 20 percent imperfect part?
After taking stock of all this, and acknowledging that no one is perfect, and saying yes to imperfection, we’re left with … “We can question our ideas of perfection, and start to redefine perfection altogether as reality rather than fantasy,” declares Green.
“We can start cultivating a positive attitude, and we can choose not to believe the stinking thinking that tells us we should bail if something doesn’t fit our idea of perfection.” Quite simply, “your life should be better as a result of staying in the relationship and working through issues rather than worse,” says Green.
You’ve likely heard of the 80/20 rule when it comes to diet (both Jillian Michaels and Miranda Kerr use it to guide their healthy eating habits), but there’s another area of your life that you should be applying the principle to: your dating life.
In this instance, the theory goes that in a healthy relationship, 80 percent of it should be amazing, and the other 20 percent should be … In other words, you’re never going to find a person who is 100 percent what you want all the time, but if you have a relationship that’s 80 percent great, then you can’t sweat the other 20 percent.
I tapped Hannah Green, a Bay Area psychotherapist specializing in individual and couples therapy, to find out more.